Life is good

She’s 6 pounds and 2 oz. and oxygenation is about 100%. Life is good and can’t wait to take her home! We can’t wait to show her off and see some family in Ukraine. I’m a little stressed with the new addition though with my boys. We all know how this baby happens, but I never planned on this as a 54 year old with 3 wonderful children already. I still hurt with my divorce, but I know that it’s very difficult to change who you are. I needed unconditional love, someone to say I love you, someone to snuggle with, someone to not feel that whatever bad happens is not the end of the world, someone to ultimately be happy to be with at the end of the day and I didn’t once feel this in 26 years. I’m truly sorry I couldn’t have been more successful. It had to be me I thought, and after being told I hate you a couple too many times, that I contributed nothing to the finances(I was trying) and that if things were a little better I would be walked out on, I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t breathe, feel my body, couldn’t eat and didn’t have any luck going my way. I prayed all the time and I wondered how she could go to church, teach Sunday school, do the flower guild, make the baptismal flags and then everything was really that bad! We had a nice home, 3 wonderful boys and we could always go somewhere better I thought. I felt I just needed to get out of Jackson, MS, but I didn’t because I lost confidence in myself and allowing her to control the safety and continuity of no change would make her happiest. I believe she never recovered from my breaking our engagement off. I felt she changed to someone different than who I dated for 5 years and I didn’t like the prospects. It didn’t hurt my decision that I was back in school full time and trying to play professional tennis. But when we did get back together, I hoped she would remember our fun loving courtship in due time, but that never happened. I know she lost trust in me, and without trust in me I lost confidence in me. How do you share bad news with someone who isn’t happy and mad all the time? Well you just do and I didn’t do that well enough. I though I could make things better. Wrong thought process. Being a tennis professional can have a change of jobs too often and that was tough and Jackson didn’t work out soon after we moved there. A valuable lesson easier said than done is you really need to know the quality of your supervisor or company. The grass is not greener. Within the year, I already knew I got screwed and I should have pushed the relevance of working with my former mentor in Boca Raton in hindsight. He and his wife truly cared for us and our children. I allowed her control of no change and we stayed in Jackson. Our love and happiness with what we had wasn’t strong enough. I never once heard my parents voice any disappointment or yell at each other, but then I was now living in an opposite world of that. I just let her rant and rave at me, boys, dogs, house, whatever. I’m walking on egg shells and trying to stay out of her way. I don’t want to set her off. That’s what I felt my whole marriage and yet my parents loved each other dearly for 50+years. My wife’s mother and father argued all the time and the mother wished she left her father. I couldn’t take feeling this way ever again. My new job gave me direction and becoming consumed with work helped until I attempted to sleep. If my 3 boys weren’t away in college I wouldn’t be in this position away from the home they were raised in. I felt I exhausted all family and friend guidance for help. I chalked it up as, I have no where else to turn to but effort and praying. I wasn’t sure how praying was going to work though as I didn’t really like going to church and doubted the strength of my faith. I thought to spare my the boys any news to protect them while in college. College can be lonely and I thought to minimize the stress of bad news. I still hurt a lot because I loved every minute I spent with boys and know that family holiday gatherings are different. We always had a wonderfully decorated house for all the holidays. I don’t miss being told I’m not doing something right (tinsel, lights, ornaments, cutting meat). It took the fun out of holidays for me, but now I get to start fresh. I get to make holidays magical again and see the smiles of a child. I get a new chance to overspend and be happy. Thank you god for my darling little girl Galina.